From Twin Shock to Grief Shock

Today we were given the tragic news that one of our precious girls has passed away. Amélie Marie has gone to be with Jesus and we feel such a whirlwind of intense emotion right now. Livia Joy is doing well and her heartbeat is strong. Mia’s heart stopped beating sometime this past week (27 weeks). We know this because my last ultrasound revealed no major complications one week ago (26 weeks). At this point very little is known about the cause of death. At 20 weeks both babies were completely healthy; growing at the same rates. By 24 weeks there was a slight difference in growth and one baby appeared to be smaller than the other. The discordance was at about 19% at that point. The high risk Doctors begin to start weekly monitoring when they see discordant growth that is 20% or greater. At 26 weeks the doctors saw a growth discordance of 21.5% and recommended I be seen on a weekly basis to monitor for Twin to Twin Transfusion (TTTS). They did not seem too worried about TTTS developing as it is not common after 25 weeks. Because our twins are identical and share a placenta they were at risk of TTTS. Some of their blood vessels are connected and this can lead to various complications and risks. We cannot say for sure that Mia and Livie have suffered from TTTS. There could be other reasons that Mia has passed away, but there is no way to tell right now. Because our girls are sharing a placenta and some of their blood vessels were connected, Livia will most likely suffer some sort of brain damage as a result of Mia’s passing. When one identical twin passes, the other is forced to absorb a high level of blood, resulting in what could be mild to severe brain damage. Again, there is no way to tell how this will manifest at this point.

Please pray with us that God will work a miracle in our little girl and heal her body from any trauma that is a result of Mia’s death.

At this point I am at higher risk for pre-term labor, but Mia’s death does not affect Livia any longer. If any damage has been done it was immediately after Mia’s death, when the initial surge of blood was transferred over. From here on out we are hoping that I will not go into labor before 35 weeks in order to insure a healthy outcome for Livia. They cannot do anything for Mia at this point. I will need to carry both babies to term in order to provide the best chance for Livia. I was given a shot of steroids this afternoon to mature Livia’s lungs at a faster pace in case she is pre-term. This will give her a better chance of survival as a preemie. I will now be monitored a few times per week from here on out.

As the title of this post suggests, we are in complete shock right now and the question why? has crossed our minds more than a few times over the past 12 hours. Our tears have all dried up for now and we are trying to wrap our heads around this reality. This makes for a very complicated situation given I have a toddler at home, a baby to stay healthy for and a baby to grieve over. I can’t face it. But, I know that God can and we are begging Him for strength and peace to make it through the next 10 weeks.

Words cannot describe this feeling of life and death that is felt emotionally and physically in my body. Each time Livia kicks I am struck with a painful reminder that Mia is not kicking. Her lifeless body lies in my womb and I am deeply saddened. I want to rejoice over the life we still have, but I find myself stuck between a dark place of fear and sadness. I DO find comfort and hope knowing that Mia is now in the arms of Jesus, but finding God in the midst of tragedy is never easy and we will never know why this happened. I could say that God has prepared me for this tragedy through the loss of my little sister 11 years ago, but I would be lying. Though I have experienced grief and walked through losing a loved one; losing a sister is different from losing a child and the pain will not be the same. The pain is different, it is separate and I will grieve a different way. I’m not sure what the grief will look like. But, I do know that we need our family, our community and our friends to support us, walk with us and love us through this.
Thank you for your love and support thus far.

We will try to write updates as we get them.

Please continue to pray with us as we grieve for one and prepare for another, support each other and continue to care for Micah.