pumpkins

Due Date

Yesterday was my official due date for these girls. It's hard to imagine still being pregnant after having Livia here with us for nearly two months now. She is officially a full term baby now; acting like one too! It's (seriously) music to my ears to hear her sweet little cry echo through the room. She was swaddled, sleeping and growing for so long it is so fun to see her in a different light. For the first weeks of her life I felt as if I wasn't her mommy; unable to care for her fully and give her the kind of love and attention every newborn needs.

Now, as she sits by my side, swaying back and forth in her swing, I finally feel like her mommy. I can meet her needs on my own and shower her with love and affection all day long.

I can tell you that this is not how I imagined this day to be. In fact, this is not what I would wish for this day to be. I would trade it all in to have Amelie Marie and Livia Joy swinging side by side. BUT, somehow in the midst of it, I feel the mystery of God in his sovreignty whispering that he loves me and he gives me what I need. Amen.

She's so beautiful. . . .it hurts.

There are times when I'm overwhelmed by the beauty of this little girl. This little girl that has fought so hard to be strong for her mommy and for her family. Her beauty is both inside and out. Each day I get a little glimpse into her sweet spirit and it's beautiful. So beautiful it hurts. It hurts to think of what could have been. It hurts to think that her sister can't be here to share in this beauty. Each time I look into her eyes and she looks back at me I am overcome. It's hard. It hurts. It stretches every part of me to continue to live in faith that God is with me, holding me close. Each day I continue to question his ways, his heart and this path he has chosen for me to walk. Each day I battle through a myriad of intense emotions. My heart is so broken and yet I feel such peace. I continue to feel such joy over this precious life. He didn't have to give me this life and yet I sit here, staring at this beauty. And it hurts.

We've come a long way!

Livia two days after birth. . . .

Livia now!

Praise God.

Saying Goodbye

We had a beautiful memorial service for our precious daughter last weekend with our Boston family. It was a huge step for us and we are thankful we did it. Grieving together as a community was important for us. My mom happened to be in town that weekend as well as my Uncle and Cousin. A great time together to honor and remember our daughter.
Wish you all were there with us.

Our Dearest Amelie Marie,
We never imagined that hello would mean goodbye. Our hearts have been broken again and again as we try to imagine a life without you, our daughter. We have shed tears of deep sadness as the reality of your loss continues to set in. But you, Amelie, have given us great joy amidst the pain. Your life has taught us more about the unfailing love of God and his sovereignty over our lives. Your life has reminded us that we are part of a bigger story; a story that ends with wholeness; a story that offers hope and peace.
The news of your death has caused us great sadness over the future. It has been the death of so many hopes and dreams. We will never understand this part of the story here on earth, but we continue to trust in the one who made you and formed each part of you. Your perfectly formed body was not a mistake, dear daughter. It was a beautiful gift for which we are eternally grateful.
We long for that day to hold you again and finally tell you how much we love you face to face. You will always be in our hearts, dear Amelie Marie, our precious daughter.
Love,
Mommy, Daddy, Micah and Livia

Forever in our hearts. We love you, baby girl.

Photos courtesy of:

KCK Photography

Redhead Photography

Chris and Amy Stroup