Calvin's Birth Story

I was lying there in the dark room, finally able to focus for a moment when it hit me. The room was identical to the room I was in 2 years ago while giving birth to my twin girls.  I thought about this and I even expected this might happen ahead of time; really, it had been happening this whole pregnancy – appointments, ultrasounds and visits to the hospital would conjure up painful memories of loss and disappointment. Anything that seemed out of the ordinary would bring up doubt and fear that this baby too, would not make it to the end of the third trimester. Yet somehow this moment was different. This moment I felt my heart aching in a way it hadn’t for a long time. This moment was full of tangible memories. Memories like feeling her cold body against my chest, kissing her wrinkled face, and grasping her tiny little fingers in mine.

A few hours earlier we were at Target and I started having contractions. They were really painful and I think I might have embarrassed my dear, sweet husband a little bit as I used the shopping cart to brace myself and make my way down the aisles. By the time we got home, walked up two flights of stairs and came in to our apartment, I was pulling out all my focus tactics and I might have embarrassed my dear, sweet husband again with my horse lips.

The back labor didn’t start right away. Somewhere in the middle of it all Calvin must have gotten wedged in to my backside and we were at a standstill. 3 hours later we were in the same place, but the back labor was excruciating. At that point we knew from experience where this was all headed and decided it was best to have a c-section. Unfortunately, we had to wait for another c-section to finish up before we could get started.

I was barely hanging on to my sanity when the drilling started to get to me. Yes, the drilling. Apparently there was some construction going on below us and it sounded like they were drilling in my room. In. My. Room. At this point each and every contraction felt like my body was being torn apart and it took every last ounce of focus to get through them. The drilling would either start in the middle of a contraction, completely destroying my focus, or after a contraction, thus startling me in to another contraction.

It was around that time that all of my physical and emotional pain came crashing down and my sanity went out the window. I cried really hard for a minute and then I started to panic because you can’t cry when you’re in that sort of pain; it will most definitely make matters much worse. . . . .and, it did. . . .and, so I stopped.

Giving birth to the twins was perfect and beautiful in so many ways; it was also tragic and painful. I imagined Calvin’s birth might be a perfect and beautiful birth without the pain and tragedy, I imagined it would be average, typical and even easier. . . . .

I imagined wrong. And, I learned a lot about dreams, hopes and expectations – again.

It is often through experiences like these that I remember I have great treasure and it is the only kind of treasure that will ever give me true joy, freedom and beauty in life. It is also through these experiences that my longing becomes greater and my heart grows a little bigger.

Though my pain in life will never seem right or fair, it will always have purpose. May I never stop experiencing circumstances that draw me closer, drive me deeper, and force me stronger into the arms of Jesus.

Happy Birthday Calvin. We love you so much already.