August 12, 2010

We have been on vacation the past few weeks in Seattle. During that time we remembered the anniversary of Mia's death. Here are some thoughts I wrote out that day but didn't have a chance to post.

August 12, 2010

Last night I dreamt that Mia was born healthy, with dark brown hair and bright blue eyes. She had a smile just like her sister and a little dimple on her right cheek. The girls were so happy playing together, learning how to crawl and babble. My heart was full and I remember feeling such relief. It was as if I were aware that we had lost Mia, but in this dream I had her back. Relief washed over me as I realized I could now go to the park and see other moms with twins without feeling sadness. I could now hear the word “twins” and not feel that ache in my heart. It was so wonderful to think about the future now. To think that I didn’t have to pass through the rest of this life longing to have my girls grow together. I felt alive and energetic again. Ready to take on the world. The dream was so vivid and my emotions were so real. It’s odd to describe it, but I felt like God hit the rewind button and we started over again. All the pain of losing Mia was gone and we were living life with her.

I woke up feeling deep sadness once again over this loss of life. There are days when I wonder where all the heartache comes from. Sometimes I feel as though I am holding on to something that was just a part of my imagination. I feel as though my grief isn’t real and my child never was. There are few memories to speak of and the only pictures I have are painful images of her lifeless body. I think it is easy for most people to focus on Livia and the joy and beauty she brings to our family. This too is true for us, but we also see Mia and there are times it overwhelms us. Times like today, exactly one year later, when we remember her feisty little kicks inside my belly and her beautiful little silhouette on the ultrasound.

There are empty spaces that only she could fill and we will forever grieve her absence from them. This past year has been one of the hardest years of my life. It has also been one of the most joyful. God has given me more of himself then I have ever experienced in my lifetime and this is something beautiful. The pain and the sorrow have allowed me to experience the deepest joy I have ever felt. I would trade it all in to have my little girl back, for my heart has not yet fully taken hold of the deep satisfaction that only Christ can give, but I continue to pray and trust in the one who gives me life and breath for each moment.

He has begun a work in me that will continue to change me and turn my mourning into dancing. Until then, my heart cries out for his return and anxiously awaits my permanent home.

We miss our sweet girl. We remember her today and look forward to a day when our dreams are no longer dreams.