Growing pains

I thought with time our loss might get easier; I imagined life might go on and the severity of our loss would start to dissipate. I never imagined the pain would magically dissappear or that life would go on as usual, but I did expect a certain amount of resolution. A coming to terms, if you will. I am quickly realizing that my idea of "coming to terms" is quite different from the reality of my situation.

The reality is that every growth spurt, every milestone and every month marker are painful reminders of what could have been. Sitting up, laughing, squeeling, teething. . . . .
My heart grieves what could have been so often. I wonder what Amelie would look like. I wonder if she would be doing the same things that Livia is doing. I wonder how she might make Livia laugh. I wonder how Livia might make her laugh. I wonder, I wonder and I wonder. . . .

The truth is, there are days when the pain only feels worse. There are days when I feel my heart breaking and it terrifies me. I tried so hard to put all the pieces back in place after we lossed Mia, but apprently they didn't fit. My heart is still broken. I am still grieving. I want it to be done. I want to move on, but I know better. I know that my heart will not be the same. It is changing and the growth is painful.

One of the stages of grief is shock. I remember experiencing this after losing Breanna. The shock lasted for a few weeks and then slowly the pain started to take over. My heart ached for quite some time. I think that my shock lasted much longer this time. Mostly because I had to think about Livia and how to stay strong and healthy so that she could be born strong and healthy. Once she came along everything happened so quickly and it was hard to think about much else.

Just the other day Chris and I were talking about how we feel like we are waiting for life to start. We often wonder how long it will take to feel like we aren't missing a part of our family. I find myself feeling guilty that I have let 9 months go by feeling like Livia's life hasn't "officially" started. It's a wierd, complicated feeling.

I have realized that part of my process is understanding that this dance between grief and joy is confusing and it's ok to feel both as life continues to move on. We will always feel like we are missing a piece of our family, because we are. Livia's life and birth will always be marked with Mia's life and death and that is our reality.

A reality I often don't want to deal with. And, I'm thanking God that I don't have to deal with it. His grace is sufficient.