A few weeks ago one of my closest friends called to tell me that she was expecting twins. As I hung up the phone I felt the darkness creeping in and I had to surrender. I felt angry with God; as if maybe he was playing some twisted cosmic joke on me. It hurt and I couldn't make any sense of it. Not only did it hurt me, it hurt my friend and I knew that it would inevitably affect our friendship. I felt my fragile faith hanging on by a thread and I desperately cried out to God; begging him, once again, to draw near and infuse my life with his presence.
I had been reading through the book of Job and found comfort in these words:
"Though he slay me, I will hope in him. Nevertheless, I will argue my ways before him. This also will be my salvation, for a godless man may not come before his presence." Job 13:13-16
I felt so betrayed by God; as if he had given me more than I could handle. The truth is that I couldn't handle it and God was waiting for me to hand it over so he could. I wrestled with God over it, asking him to give me answers. Yet, I couldn't stop asking God to give me his presence.
Then one day it happened. It actually took me by surprise. Nothing made sense, but God touched me and gave me the gift hope. All of a sudden I could feel the presence of God inside of me, weeping with me and crying out with me. I felt his heart aching with mine and it gave me peace. All of a sudden I didn't need to argue my ways before him. He heard me. He saw my pain and surrounded me with his love.
I thought about the verse where the Psalmist cries out:
"Cast me not away from your presence, take not your holy Spirit from me!"
All of a sudden this scripture came to life for me. I desperately needed his presence to stay with me because it was the only thing that was holding me together!
I realized that no answer God could give me would ever be enough. I also realized that there is a lot of pain and sadness in this world and there is never a good enough reason, but he sees it all and in the end.....he redeems it all.
Come Lord Jesus, Come.
3 comments:
Thanks for sharing, Amy. Love you!
I love you.
I get it! I've had three miscarraiges in attempts to have another child. It is really hard to get rid of the dark feelings that come instead or joy when I find out friends are pregnant.Not that I'm not happy for them, it's just hard. I enjoyed reading what you wrote, it really helped me........
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