"In everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." - I Thess. 5:18
After Breanna died it became hard to get through each day, much less each moment. I started to read about Thanksgiving in the Bible and as a practice in general. Studies have actually been done on this very topic. People who find something to be thankful for at the end of each day are generally happier. Makes sense, right?
The past few weeks have been hard. After Livia was born I just powered through, ignoring a lot of my pain and sadness over Amelie in order to get through a hard situation. I remember thinking that one day I would just have another baby and this empty "hole" would go away. It sounds crazy, but I tried to believe myself for fear of breaking down and letting the grief settle. Well, I've finally taken some time for myself and cleared my head a little and unfortunately clearing my head means thinking a little more logically about this situation.
The grief has settled.
The reality of our situation is starting to become clearer. And, it still hurts. Amelie will never be replaced. Another child will not fill that hole. It breaks my heart that Livia has to serve as a constant reminder. I know it will get better with time; time truly does heal. But for now it often hurts to see her grow and mature into such a beautiful baby girl. I wrote about this here shortly after she was born. It's hard to imagine how a tender little smile, tiny little toes and precious little fingers could cause one pain. She is a miracle and gift we are so thankful for. It's hard to describe the pain, the joy and the confusion all wrapped up into one. I am finding there is space for all three emotions in my heart and I have to let them be. In order to fully live I must fully embrace each one as it comes. Sometimes I have to save my moments for later, but I continue to try my hardest to live in the moment, whatever it may bring.
Back to Thanksgiving. . . .
I found it quite helpful to list the things I was thankful for after Breanna died. It carried me through so much grief and gave me hope for tomorrow. There is always something to be thankful for. Even if it is only Jesus. He is enough.
So, I've decided that during this time of settled grief I will find those little moments I can be thankful for and write them down to give me hope and peace.
At the end of each day, I might be surprised at all there is to be thankful for.
4 comments:
So, what did he think of the peanut butter and salsa sandwich? Did he actually try it?
Erin
Thanks for sharing your heart. Still praying for you guys. Love you!!!! <3
I am always so amazed when I read your heartfelt words how much we think alike. I'm pretty sure I've written almost the same things on my blog at times. It is so very hard sometimes to be the mom of this little miracle TTTS survivor....knowing exactly what that little angel looks like and the feelings are so often all mixed up for me too. But you are right, you find room in your heart and your head for all those emotions and grow, learn and be stronger because of it.
Peace to you... you are such a strong person...I'm so glad I found your blog!
Jodie
We should grab coffee again soon - even if it's a weekend morning. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you embrace these moments as they come. Thank you for letting us walk with you. Love you!
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