Surviving

Everybody’s been asking how I’m doing. It’s hard to respond to such a question. I have good days and I have bad days, but really? I’m just surviving. I wake up every morning and have just enough time to shower and eat breakfast before I am out the door and on my way to the hospital. I spend time changing Livia, checking her temperature, and feeding her every three hours. She is doing so well and I am thankful for her progress. I haven’t really had the time to think about all that’s gone on. My time at the hospital always seems rushed and my time at home is spent loving on my son and trying to get the house ready to bring Livia home. Every now and then I do have some time to think and I’m always quite surprised by the thoughts that are swirling around in my head.

Often times, when I really think about it, I realize that part of me chooses to focus only on the joy of Livia without facing the painful reality of Mia’s death. It’s confusing, really. See, Livia is here in a very tangible way, a HUGE part of my life right now. But Mia? She came and went so quickly that I find myself confused about how to grieve. It’s difficult to fully embrace the reality of my loss while continuing to rejoice over Livia’s life. I feel guilty over my grief. Guilty because I don’t want people to think I am sad about the birth of my daughter. Guilty, because most people don’t know the whole story and I don't want them to catch me in a sad moment while I'm "supposed" to be in a joyful moment. I look around me and see so many joyful parents and I don’t know how to respond. I am constantly conflicted over my extreme emotions. Part of me wishes people knew my story so I could fully embrace my emotions without fear of confusing others. It's hard to be thrilled when this is not how we imagined it would be. Should I be happy or should I be sad? I just can't hold these two extremes all the time. So, most of the time? I just survive.