Urgency

For as long as I can remember I have always had a sense of urgency about life. I never wanted to miss anything growing up and even today, in my adult life, I struggle with the same thing. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what I am so urgent about. It takes an extremely large amount of will power just to sit and relax. My husband is the complete opposite when it comes to this topic. He could sit and relax for hours without a problem. I'm learning to appreciate that.

Just recently I was sharing some memories with my mom about my grandfather. I told her that when I would visit their house as a youngster I used to get so upset if grandpa left to do something without me. His "something" was usually a walk with the dog, a trip to the grocery store, or a weekly "meals on wheels" run. I had this urgent need to be 'doing' whatever grandpa was doing. I would literally wake up at 6am just to make sure I didn't miss the daily activities!
Silly.

Lately I have been working through another "urgency." There is this urgency to get everything just right and then I can finally relax. Who am I kidding? I have this constant dialogue in my head that goes something like this:

Urgent self: Everything will be fine once I complete x, y and z, I just have to keep going until its done.
Realistic self: After you complete x, y and z there will always be another x, y and z.
Urgent self: No really, after I finish just these few things I am going to stop and take some time to relax.
Realistic self: Are x, y and z even attainable goals right now?
Urgent self: I'm just going to ignore you until I get this done.

And then the conversation repeats. . . . .

Where is this urgency coming from?
I have one theory. Could it be my own desire to be conceived in a certain way and come across as a certain kind of woman? It seems as though it always comes down to this one issue: identity. Where is my identity? My self-worth? Why do I constantly strive for perfection in areas that can never be perfect?

I've come to the realization that striving for perfection takes the joy out of life. It makes me an unhappy, people pleasing, self-loving individual. It also takes the adventure out of life! If I am constantly worried about perfection, then I am paralyzed. I actually become unproductive and choose not to do something unless I know it will be perfect.

Ultimately, my joy comes in knowing that I am a daughter of the most high. The King of Kings. He loves me. Just me. Not a perfect me. As I take the time to ponder this I am for a moment able to rest and the sense of urgency begins to slip away, if only for a moment. . . . . .