We are getting ready to celebrate Livia’s birthday one week from today. One year of cooing, smiling, rolling, laughing, crying, teething, babbling and crawling. I look back on this past year and I am amazed, overwhelmed, overjoyed and fearful. Honestly? I don’t want to celebrate Livia’s birthday. I don’t want to mark this huge milestone of her life without Mia. My heart is (once again) torn between a desire to celebrate life and a deep sadness over loss of life. The month of August has been difficult as I reflect on this time last year. I remember the fear, the joy, the pain and I must admit; it hurts. My heart aches as I remember the month of August in 2009.
The dichotomy of emotion continues to challenge me as I struggle to embrace my joy and sorrow all at once. All of my life I have experienced both joy and sorrow, but they have always seemed separate. For the first time in my life I am faced with both emotions at one time and it proves to be a complicated task again and again. I have thought to myself many times: why not just embrace these emotions separately? They cannot be held together, it is impossible. Yet, I find myself faced with moments where both emotions are very present. The joy over Livia’s new found skill of crawling reminds me that Mia is not here to crawl beside her.
There have been such moments of loneliness in the midst of my grief. And I have cried out to God in disappointment more times than I can count. That is when I am reminded of the God who sees it all through my eyes. The God who hurts with me at the sight of a car loaded up with two brand new car seats. The God who feels the pain with me and promises to hold it for me.
The dichotomy of emotion continues to challenge me as I struggle to embrace my joy and sorrow all at once. All of my life I have experienced both joy and sorrow, but they have always seemed separate. For the first time in my life I am faced with both emotions at one time and it proves to be a complicated task again and again. I have thought to myself many times: why not just embrace these emotions separately? They cannot be held together, it is impossible. Yet, I find myself faced with moments where both emotions are very present. The joy over Livia’s new found skill of crawling reminds me that Mia is not here to crawl beside her.
There have been such moments of loneliness in the midst of my grief. And I have cried out to God in disappointment more times than I can count. That is when I am reminded of the God who sees it all through my eyes. The God who hurts with me at the sight of a car loaded up with two brand new car seats. The God who feels the pain with me and promises to hold it for me.
So, here’s to celebrating Livia’s first year of life with joy, but also remembering Mia’s absence and the pain it causes.
2 comments:
I think that is a good attitude to have. Good thoughts and reminders about a God who goes through it all with us. Love you, and am praying extra for this hard and joyful time for you.
We're praying for you as you celebrate Livia and remember Mia, holding all of your emotions, and living well, Amy. We're proud of you.
We love you so much,
Mom and Dad
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