So you are probably wondering how all of this relates back to a longing only God can fulfill.
This is a part of the story I've had a hard time sharing (hence the reason I am posting this now instead of months ago). It's hard for me because it confirms for me in a very tangible way that God has been and will continue to be writing my story. And in saying that I mean that he wrote the good parts and he wrote the painful parts. I don't believe that God has inflicted any pain in my life. But, I trust that he has allowed it, and that gives me comfort.
I have opened my heart to him and trusted him with my hopes and dreams for two little girls and my heart has been crushed. What remains is a tiny flicker of faith. A tiny flicker that knows, without a doubt, that my deepest longing has been fulfilled all along.
I'm still disappointed with God, especially since I felt my girls were such a redeeming part of my personal story, but I continue to cling to him and the faith that only he can give.
My cup is no longer full. But God is with me, restoring me daily and he WILL bring beauty from ashes.
5 comments:
these have been beautiful to read, amy. hoping to get to see you next week.
You are such a talented writer and have such a strong faith. You are an inspiration to me sister! I love that you have such big assumptions of heaven! I don't think the Lord would want us to think any less of heaven. It will be even better then you can fathom with both Brenna and Amelie there!
Love you and wish so much that I was closer.
you write so much of what is in my heart about our loss too. I dealt with our news of our twins differently...one that brought me guilt later. We weren't trying for one and I knew it would be tough to make it work. But I was soooo very excited and when that dream of two identical babies living with me was shattered...well I was shattered too. Picking up the pieces was hard, and is hard. Knowing I'm not alone and God is with me is great. Knowing I'm not alone and others, like you, understand how I feel is amazing!
Wondering why I was put on this journey in the first place is hard but when I see glimmers of the reason (like the family I've helped support in England who just delivered both their twins and named their baby that wasn't expected to survive after my angel)...well then I get that God is working his miracles in me too.
Take care and know that you've made a difference in my life too!!!
Beautiful writing...asking God to continue to give you glimpses of His plan. Thinking of you today.
Love,
Laura
My dear, sweet, and beautiful daughter, Amy----you lost your sister, and I lost my daugher. We both know it's healthy to embrace grief, to be honest before the Lord, so He can meet us, and heal our broken hearts.
With this fresh journey of such complicated grief and joy, I so wish, as your mother, that I could take your pain away.
Today, I read in Genesis about Jacob's reaction to the news that his son, Joseph, had been killed. The scripture says: "Jacob tore his clothes in grief, dressed in rough burlap, and mourned his son a long, long time. His sons and daughters tried to comfort him but he refused their comfort. 'I'll go to the grave mourning my son.' Oh, how his father wept for him."
Like Jacob, we grieve because we have loved so much. Though we are not without hope--we know Mia is with Jesus now, and she is with Breanna in heaven (I also read this verse today about Isaac---"Isaac lived a hundred and eighty years. Then he breathed his last and died and was GATHERED TO HIS PEOPLE, old and full of years.")--we miss her, and we will, until we meet her in heaven.
We both know from experience that the grief of these days will become less fresh, less powerful, but a part of it will always linger. Can it, or should it be different? I don't think so. Life is precious, a gift from God. When Mia went to be with God, when she was gathered to her people, we lost a treasure in this earthly life.
So now, once again, we long for the reality of heaven even more. I think that longing comes from God, and proves to me that Heaven is a very real place we'll be someday, and there God has promised us every tear will be wiped away. Joy will flow like a river, and we'll never be separated from Jesus or our loved ones again. A part of me longs to enter into that world today, in this very moment. Yet, for now, in this life, God has given me a good life with a husband, children and grandchildren who continually fill my cup with great joy......so I keep learning to hold the pain with the joy, to look to God to help me live the rest of my days with faith in His goodness and everlasting love.
I'm not thankful for your pain, Amy. It's because we live in a fallen, broken world that you never got to hold and nurture your beautiful baby girl.
I am thankful you're allowing yourself to feel the pain that is naturally yours to hold...and that you have a wonderful husband, friends and family willing to support you and walk through this painful journey with you.
I'm thankful also for your faith in God, and that you are strengthened and made whole by Him. As you hold the pain of your loss, you live your life with faith, hope, joy, strength, passion and compassion, and a grateful heart. His grace is so evident in your life.
I'm proud of you, Amy, and I love you, forever,
Mom
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