Worship

Lately, every time I try to worship (through music) I can’t stop myself from crying. Crying, because once again it acknowledges God’s goodness and beauty in the midst of sorrow and pain. I feel that if I sing out then I’m letting go completely. I’m trusting God with my whole heart and giving up my will. When I say I’m giving up my will I mean that in a positive way; a way that reflects God’s goodness and desire for me to experience true joy. Ultimately, his will is supremely satisfying for me. It’s hard to see that now. It’s probably hard to see that in 10 years, but I know without a doubt that his will is supreme. Sadly, his will includes some pretty hard stuff to deal with. My head says yes, God’s will is supremely satisfying; therefore, I will trust him completely and move towards him with open arms. Yet, my heart is hurting. It is truly in pieces and I know that God made me this way. He made me to experience emotions fully and completely. He made my heart so tender and susceptible to pain and joy. When it comes to worship, I don’t want to sing the words out because everybody else is singing and that is what’s in front of me. I want to sing with my whole heart in total surrender to my God. I want to mean every word of it. I am passionate about music and I believe it is a very important piece of connecting with God. So why am I brought to tears during worship? Because I know that when I sing out I am in total surrender to God and his will for my life. Maybe I’m just not ready to accept that right now. Maybe I accept it and it brings me to tears. Or maybe it’s a combination of the two.